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15 May 2010 @ 01:54 am
Life hasn't been that amazing lately. I know that people out in the world have it far worse than me but I can't vouche for how they feel I can only know what I'm going through. It seems like whenever I have a bonus in my life there's a hand ready to rip it out of mine. I've been on unemployment for around a year now. That is not a fact that I'm proud of at all. In fact it's depressing. I was always the guy that would think why can't that person just get up and get a job? Now I feel like that all day long. I actually think about how much of a failure I am on a daily basis. No, I'm not some emo kid that hasn't experience anything in life. I have. In fact I've been working since I graduated highschool. I know how the real world is. I just look back on those years and think how all those teachers in every year of my schooling lied to me. No you can't be what you truly want to be. Sure you can make the best of your situation but you can't go along thinking that you'll be anything you want to be. If you're going to you have to bust your ass every damn minute. I wanted to be a writer. Hell I wrote seven episodes of a sitcom but I don't have the balls to send them to anyone. Even if it went anywhere I don't think I would even want to be involved with it. I would be to embarrassed. That's right I'm embarrassed of everything I enjoy. I think someone will make fun of me. The only person I can tell anything is Krista but before her I had no one. So I'm especially lucky and grateful to have her. That's another reason why I wanted to post this even though I know most people won't see this. Lately I've been on edge and I've been snappy towards her. I think to myself don't do it and it just happens. I hate myself when it happens. It's nothing major but just taking it out on her for no reason makes me sick. I don't deserve her if I keep acting like this. When it comes down to it it's all about money. Not enough for this or that or whatever the fuck else I have to pay this week. I know I'm an adult and everyone has to pay bills but it's overwhelming sometimes. Especially when I depend on things and it never works out. I mean never. If I could sum up my existence it would be "This guy never gets a break." It's one thing after another.I just got a ticket for not having my seatbelt. That won't be that bad oh wait it's $135 dollars are you kidding me? Cops when did you become military? When did you become absolutes who don't give a damn about who you're stopping? I lost my respect for them a long time ago. I know they do a hard job but that doesn't give anyone the right to treat people like garbage. Right now I'm thinking about how I'm going to have enough for rent this month. I honestly can't think of a way. I just wanted to vent and I'm sick of not being able to talk to anyone. So this is my someone pretty amazing I guess. Well this is what happens when you don't have friends but fuck all my friends because they were all assholes. Fuck my life and one day it will hopefully get better
Jon Jonjonjonxd on May 15th, 2010 01:33 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry man, I know how it is to struggle.

I don't know what your situation is with Krista, but is there a way for you to live with her (and help pay her rent of course)? Or is that awkward? You know, to try and conserve money.

Yeah cops can be real cocksuckers. I hope I don't turn into a cocksucker cop (then again I'll be in NYC, not out here in the upper middle class area where they just act like bullies because they have nothing better to do).

Did you ever go to school? What was your job before you got laid off/fired/whatever?

Have you spoken to Krista about how you feel terrible about taking things out on her and how you don't mean to? If she understands why you do it, then she'd know it's not sincere and you're just really upset.

I'm sorry man, it's a shitty situation and I have friends who are in similar boats, just gotta keep pushing you know? Possibly apply ANYWHERE you can (off the books type stuff so you don't lose your unemployment until you find something better, for example).
foreveruppercutforeveruppercut on May 16th, 2010 04:57 am (UTC)
yeah it sucks. Thankfully the girl I was talking about is my gf and we live together. So my situation isn't that awful just needed to vent a little. I don't hate all cops just seems like they're always treating everyone like they're guilty ugh.